Last night, I caught myself thinking about my kids when they grow up. About the possibility that they'll end up completely different from what I'd hope and how I might feel about that and what I might do, if there was anything to be done. I realized the best I can hope for is that they're able to look at me as someone who raised them to view everything as an opportunity; every success, every failure, every celebration, every heartbreak. Everything is something to learn from, something to build on.

I was also thinking about something called Founder's Syndrome and how I might be going through that right now. How reluctant I am about this whole non-profit thing, how disappointed I am over the whole slam thing, how Monday nights suddenly feel like a burden, how close I am to saying "fuck it" and how not particularly bothered by it I am.

I was reading an interesting article on FS and some things really jumped out at me.

Some Troublesome Traits Among Founders
Founders are dynamic, driven, and decisive. They carry clear vision of what their organization can be. They know their customer's needs and are passionate about meeting those needs. Often these traits are strong assets for getting the new organization off the ground. However, other traits of founders too often become major liabilities.

and...

Summary
It may be that the founder's greatest gift is converting a dream to reality by inspiring others with the ability to keep the dream real (and they will have their dreams, too!).
· In that case, the best thing for him or her may be to leave the organization once that dream is real, when the dream evolves an organization that others should take forward.

Maybe it IS me? Maybe it's gotten to the point that I'm holding things back? Or maybe my next step is to lead by example, making room for others by stepping aside myself?

There's an intense debate going on right now about my comments here yesterday, about the slam and the team, and at one point, in a rather left-field comment, it was suggested that my desire to create spaces for new voices was more a result of not being comfortable in the slam anymore, or from not having really written much in the past couple of years. In other words: those who can do; those who can't, host. It would've been an insult had I not always been very clear with myself about Monday's being my first priority, coming before my own individual efforts, sometimes even before my own family.

But I'm thinking that maybe I've given enough and it's time to start focusing on myself again. Start paying attention to nurturing my own talents and exploring my own opportunities instead of putting everyone else's first. Recapturing the time I spend on making sure Monday's happen every week would certainly open up some interesting opportunities for myself, both as a writer, and as a person.

What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from ...
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
-- T. S. Eliot