Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Dear Dr. Dean:

I would like to offer my condolences on your embarassing third place finish yesterday in the Iowa caucuses. You really got yours handed to you on a platter. On the bright side, that sellout Gephardt took one square on the chin.

There's a line at the end of one of my poems that I think may fit how you're feeling right now:

To have come so far for this
seems such a waste.
I'm sure I'm not the first to say that you shouldn't feel that way, though, even if you realize you've got no one to blame but yourself, independent hip-shooter that you are. Remember, you've dedicated the last two years of your life to this campaign...I mean movement, and for that you should be proud. (A little guilt over secretly campaigning while you were still Governor and forcing the press to sue for access to your schedule may be appropriate, though.)

You've energized the heretofore disenfranchised upper middle class white people of this country into bold action, lending them your powerful voice raised against President Bush and his ill-conceived policies, not to mention your fellow Democrats. You've even managed to rally the pseudo-liberal wing of the Democratic Party to your cause, an odd marriage considering your centrist background, but deserving of kudos nevertheless.

I imagine you were awake most of the night with your campaign manager, that saavy Joe Trippi, trying to figure out where things went wrong and how it could have gone so stunningly bad so quickly. It probably took everything you had to not choke the living shit out of him. You were the frontrunner, dammit! Gore, Bradley and Harkin were backing you! You even went to church with Jimmy frickin' Carter and we know how you feel about public display of your religious beliefs! What were those crazy Iowans thinking voting for Kerry and that snot-nosed Edwards over you?

We both know you don't really believe that it was the negative tone of the campaign the past couple of weeks that did you in, as your fellow democrats hit you hard on everything from your unwillingness to release your records as Governor of Vermont to the whereabouts of your wife and whether or not she actually supported your campaign. After all, negativity is what got you to the top as you gleefully bashed everyone from George Bush to Dick Gephardt to that old guy in Iowa that had the nerve to offer an opinion that was different from yours. To blame negativity would be...well it would be hypocritical and we know you wouldn't walk down that road!

The question now, though, is what can you do to regain your momentum? What could juice your bid to "take this country back" in such a way that would empower and engage your followers that woke up this morning to the bad news and are right this minute wondering, "What next?" Not the die-hard Deaniacs, mind you. They'd follow you back to Vermont and live on your front lawn through the winter if you asked them to. I'm referring to those progressives that you hoodwinked into thinking you represented their ideals, taking their well-intentioned donations knowing you were no more their champion than Joe Lieberman is. Those people that would have been better served supporting Dennis Kucinich had you not hid behind the media-appointed label of anti-war liberal and their self-serving notions of electability.

Thanks to that same media, you've now lost your insurgent tag. Thanks to Gore & company, you've lost your outsider status. Thanks to Edwards, you've lost your momentum. Thanks to Clark, you don't have a prayer in the south. Thanks to Sharpton, Eminem's got a better chance of getting the black vote. And most importantly, thanks to yourself, you don't have a shot at any of your opponents supporting you until they grudgingly have no other choice. At which point they may just turn to Hilary Clinton and you'd be totally screwed.

So I have an idea for you. Are you sitting down?

What if you acknowledged your now clear unelectability and threw your support to Dennis Kucinich who, despite his politics being well to the left of yours, is now much more electable than you. Hell, Lieberman's more electable than you are now but he's not an option. Think about it. You'd regain credibility while being able to rant til you're red in the face without the worry of people looking at you thinking: "Jesus H. Christ! If I have to choose between the retarded puppet already in office or this schizophrenic manic-depressive, we're fucked." Like many of them did after your energetic concession "speech" last night.

I'm sure Kucinich could find a place for you in his administration. Ambassador to Canada would be perfect for you, I think.

Most sincerely,
Guy LeCharles Gonzalez

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